I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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