My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
