Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
