she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
