So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
