I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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