worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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