apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
