If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
