I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
