I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
