OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
