i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
