Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
