Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
