i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
