This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
