Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
