Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
