my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
