I am puke
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
