Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
