I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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