Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
