2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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