so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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