What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
