I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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