I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
