Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
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