i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
