it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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