So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
