"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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