I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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