we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
