you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
