This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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