Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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