Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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