can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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