I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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