mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
