smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
