Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
