i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
