I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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