Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
