Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
