We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
