The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
